Decisions
by lrigD
Summary: One-shot I wrote after seeing last Wednesday's episode 'Demonology'. The focus is, quite obviously, on Emily. A conversation between her and JJ.


**_... And who wins the title for lamest title ever?... Yup. Well, at least I won something._**

'Demonolog' was a cool, if slightly strange, episode. I was a bit confused from the beginning, maybe because I was focused on the Emily-part much more than the case-part.

**_I could have added this as another chapter of 'Missing Pieces'(or something like that... I don't even know what my own story is called!), but there'd be too large a gap between the last chapter and this one. Like... 2 seasons?_**

**_Besides, this episode deserves a special place._**

**_I wrote this quite quickly and without spelling check or beta, so I apologize beforehand for any mistakes, grammatical or otherwise._**

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"Hey, JJ?"

JJ looked up. She hadn't expected this visit, not tonight.

After the last case, they had all left separately, not in the mood for a drink together. She didn't know what everyone else had done, but she had gone straight home, taken a hot shower and has just been about to go to bed when she'd heard the knock on her door.

Emily.

She stood still for a moment, debating what to do. Not that she didn't want to be there for her, but she wasn't sure she could be of much help. She didn't know what had happened, she'd only seen Emily's suspiciously red eyes after she'd gone for coffee with Rossi, she'd only seen Emily's interactions with her past life once.

To be honest, she was curious what had shaken up Emily so badly. Obviously, losing a friend always sucks, but she thought she knew Emily well enough to see beyond that exterior. Something had happened in Rome.

Reaching a decision, she opened her door and let in her friend, taking a good look at her as she did so.

She looked a bit better. Snow was melting in her hair, she looked cold, but determined. Like she´d come here with a mission.

"Hey, thanks for letting me on." Emily gave her a fleeting smile as she freed herself of her coat. "I know you were about to go to bed, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," JJ smiled back at her. "I'm not sure I could sleep very well, anyway."

"Where are Will and Henry?" Emily asked, only now noticing the silence.

"They're visiting New Orleans, getting to know that side of the family." She couldn't stop herself; she glowed a little as she said 'family'. It felt good to finally belong somewhere, to have an actual person to live for. Or two.

"Oh..." Emily processed this information.

"Want something to drink?" Emily had been in her house before, but she offered anyway.

"No, thanks..." She seemed distracted, far away in her mind. JJ decided to cut straight to the point.

"Emily, what happened?"

Emily's eyes focused back on her, growing intenser as she came back to reality.

"Dave didn't tell you?"

"Didn't tell me what? Emily, the guy does have some integrity."

The corners of Emily's mouth tugged up in a reluctant smile.

"I guess, I just... You have a child..."

"Emily..." _Don't jump to conclusions_, she told herself."Come on, sit down, have some wine and talk to me." She motioned for Emily to go sit on the couch, and walked to the kitchen herself to grab a bottle of wine and two glasses.

Standing in the doorway, she observed her friend for a moment. She couldn't recall seeing Emily like this before, so... lost. That was the only word that came to mind: she looked like a lost puppy.

"Here." She handed a full glass over to Emily, who nodded and accepted it.

"I don't really know why I'm here."

"That's okay," JJ said gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

Emily nodded again, eyes getting back their focus.

"Growing up as an ambassador's daughter..." She paused for a moment to take a swig of the wine. JJ copied her movement, keeping her eyes on her.

"It's hard, you have to be perfect, but it doesn't matter even if you're perfect because nobody accepts you. So you develop two sides; for the family, you're perfect, but then, for the rest... And eventually, they'll mix, it'll just happen." Her dark eyes found JJ's.

"You can never fit in, because you never belong anywhere, you don't have any roots. Whenever you do get friends, you have to leave before you can really get to know them." She snorted very un-ambassador's-daughter-like. "So you do things you don't like, just to be accepted faster, to get friends faster."

JJ nodded, not sure she liked the way this was going. She knew a thing or two about popularity and wanting to belong.

"I got pregnant."

JJ looked at Emily, but her face was downcast, she was looking at the floor. Was she ashamed?

"Who was the father?" She noticed a fleeting expression of surprise on Emily's face. Had she expected JJ to shout at her, to make her feel even worse?

"He..." she hesitated. "It was a bet, a game of Truth or Dare. I didn't even like him, but they all looked at me and I thought that maybe, if I did this, they'd really accept me and I could maybe be myself."

"What did you do?" As soon as the words had left her mouth, JJ realized they had a double meaning. "About the baby, I mean," she added hastily.

"I couldn't tell my mother," Emily snorted again. "To her, I was still the perfect daughter." Her eyes misted over.

"Matthew took me to a clinic. He was there... He held my hand, he did everything that the bastard himself didn't do. He was a friend to me, even though he had things to deal with on his own. He held me when I cried, he just... he just let me."

Emily's eyes were definitely teary now, and JJ wasted no time in moving closer and putting a comforting arm around her shoulder. She couldn't imagine losing Henry, not even when he had been nothing but a couple of cells. Her heart ached at the difficult moments Emily must have gone through.

"And you have a child and all, and..." Emily turned towards her, tears in her eyes. "Do you think I should've kept it?"

"It was your choice," JJ said after a moment of silence. "And I think you chose wisely, taking care of a little baby when you're only fifteen is hard. You did what you had to do, Emily. You had to live your life."

Emily nodded. "It's just... sometimes I wake up at night and I ask myself, why did I ever remove it, because I'll never get another chance."

"Don't say that," she said, almost automatically, maybe a little harsher than she'd intended.

"Look," she said, softer now, "I'm not gonna lie and say I understand, because I don't think anyone can unless they've been through it, but... You just weren't ready yet. If I'd gotten Henry five years earlier... I have no idea what I would have done." She allowed Emily to think about her words before she continued.

"It was only cells, Emily. No life. You didn't kill anyone." She knew she had touched a nerve when Emily looked up sharply.

"I blew my chance back then." JJ knew about Emily's desire for children, she had been at the end of Emily's motherly feelings several times. The issue was even more painful now that she knew all this, and she'd never felt more sorry for the dark figure sitting next to her.

"You'll get another chance." JJ watched Emily. Seeing the tiniest glimmer of hope, even through the sadness, she pressed on. "You are a great woman, Emily. You are compassionate, strong, you're beautiful. Any guy would be lucky to have you."

"It's just..." Emily shook her head, trying to form clear thoughts. "I screwed up so badly, JJ. Morgan thinks he was messed up as a kid, but he was perfectly normal compared to me."

JJ tried to push her curiosity away, but didn't succeed. "Why?"

"I did things... I mean, everyone experiments, right, but I took it to the next level. I screwed up my life so badly, it's a miracle I came out alive." She paused. "But I was just so confused, you know, I didn't know what to do, how to act... Everyone wanted different things from me, they all had a political agenda... I was rebellious, tried to free myself, but I escaped in the wrong ways."

"We all have scars," JJ told her softly. "Not just the team, but everyone. That makes you human, Em. It makes you who you are. It's not all bad."

"I know," Emily said, sounding a little bit more composed. "I just never expected my scars to be exposed."

"Well, you do work with a team of profilers, Em," JJ replied, glad to see Emily getting back to her usual self. It wasn't all well now, but it was better. "It's bound to come out one way or another."

"Yeah..."

"People always try to escape, but it always comes back, too."

Emily looked at her, a small, mysterious smile playing around her lips. "You're picking up an awful lot of skills for someone who isn't a profiler."

JJ grinned nonchalantly. "I do my best."

"Thanks for this." She was serious again, her dark eyes boring into JJ's blue ones. It was a habit she had; she always looked people straight in the eye.

"Anytime." She squeezed Emily with her arm still around Emily's shoulder.

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_~But let me remember that I have friends in this world,_

_Friends who love me and will not let me go.~_

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**_That last sentence I actually made up myself, I thought of it years ago and it's been waiting around until I could use it. It was kind of appropriate here._**

**_I know some people think John was the father, but to me, that doesn't make much sense if Emily got pregnant because she wanted to be popular. John was an outsider, just like her, right? I mean, it's possible, but this is more likely in my mind._**

**_You know, I was half way through the exchanging-pleasantries-scene when I realized JJ had a family. Bad me. _**

**_Also, I had NO idea where to end this, so that's the reason it ended rather abruptly. _**

**_Please review. I am dying for someone to TALK about episodes! Nobody of my friends even watch the show, and if they did, it'd be the episodes here in the Netherlands, and we are barely into season 4. (Next week the epi with Cyrus, I'm watching!)_**

**_So tell me what you think about this little piece, the episode, or (preferably) both!_**

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